shortnklumzyazn's Journal

12:31PM

Fuck this city!! i am sooo ready to leave and go off to college! No more High school drama or retarded people that dont know what is going on in this small town. I've realized that High school classes, class rank and GPA dont mean anything. Yeah sure I worked my butt off to be in the top 1% of my class but there are still people on honor court that are just so retarded that I am actually ashamed to be on it. It means nothing. Im looking foreword to starting anew and taking with me the few friends that I actually treasure and have been there for me throu thick and thin. College is gonna rock!!!!!!! <3

1:15AM

Ok so I've changed my e-mail address to ChinaDoll_2021@yahoo.com if anyone needs me bc apparently my dad has put a tracker on where I go online and who talks to me. pleh! hes so annoying.

8:16PM - LOVE THESE LYRICS!!!!!!!!

"The Shape"

Too tragic to stay with you
Too static to try for you
These scars, they swallow hard
The part of the past that's hollow and dark

Too horrid to kill for you
Too sordid to die with you
Unstable as always, calm down
Everything else is just dust and sound.

SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEE THE SHAPE (Broken and thrown away)

I'd give it all away, come take it all away
You can't resent the fear
Somebody tell me how I got here
I'd give it all to you, come take it, it's all for you

The noise is so damn loud, but
Everything else is just dust and sound

SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEPARATE (I've lost my only way)
SEE THE SHAPE (Broken and thrown away)

I don't wanna do this anymore
Everything's shit - everything's been taken
Forsaken - gotta start it over cause I'm hearing it
Backwards - Don't make sense - Don't feel better

Who's better? It's not that simple
You gotta figure it out before you make things difficult
It's not a word, it's a problem, the problem was easy
Draw your conclusions - solutions?
Anybody else wanna run?

Contorting, distorting - I am undone
One less propaganda nightmare fixture
Are you getting the picture?

Ironic, but slipknot has turned into one of my fav. bands. I absolutly love this song.!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The lyrics to most of their songs are so awesome. lol.

11:53AM

I have only recently found out the true meaning of Karma. I have said the phrase "I think you just like me a lot more than I like you" to so many people lately for one person. It is ironic to now have that one person say it back to me. The amount of pain I felt at that moment was indescribable. I cannot even fathom what it must have been like for the other people that I have said it to. I felt lied to and betrayed and that everything was a waste, however; that was merely the initial reaction. Now that I think back on it, I have realized that people were right and I should have listened. It is kind of funny though, a couple months ago, when people at Bloomingdale were finding out that Ben and I had broken up Wade came up to me and was like "I never thought you would go out with him, he seemed so immature for you." That surprised me at the time because I had never really recalled them hanging out for him to make such a judgement. So I asked him how he even knew Ben and he just said "from sitting with him at Sara's breakfast table." It amazes me how outsider people can see things about you your relationship and your partner so much clearer than you can while being blinded by love. It just makes me think that maybe if we had listened to our friends then we could have saved ourselves from all of this. Last night, James came over because I didnt want to go out nor did I want to be alone. We talked about everything that I was feeling and I asked him how he could still be so good to all of his ex-girlfriends when they have all hurt him so badly. He told me that you just need to forgive, but not forget and learn from it. Somehow, through all of this, he still believes in a thing called "love" and thinks that I am being synical when I think that its overrated. (but that is probably because of everything that has happened and there just doesnt seem to be a "light at the end of the tunnel" anymore.) He is such a good friend to me. He listened to my whining and bitching until I fell asleep and then left. Now that I thinka bout it though, I think I would have many people that would do that for me. Its funny because during our conversation, the topic of trust came up and we had a heated debate over what it was and who deserves it. After last night and the fact of being so vulnerable and asleep that he didnt try anything with me maybe means that I can trust him to be my friend. Who knows though. All of this has also made me realize that it is impossible to plan out a future with anyone, even your friends because when it involves another person it automatically becomes unreliable. Any kind of relationship whether friendship or not is a two way, equal thing. To have the balance off ceneter is both unfair and wrong. One of my friends once told me that I have to be very careful with my first love because it is so special and pure, neither party has been hurt yet and so the love that they give is so unconditional that it is amazing. If you lose it, it will never be the same. You will never get that first love feeling again with anyone else because you will have taken something from your last one and it will no longer be pure and you will be afriad of getting hurt. I never used to believe that but now I do. This whole experience has changed me and my outlook on things so differently. It is like a little kid realizing there is no Santa. I have finally faced reality and I know that I will never be as open with anyone or have such free passion. I guess it is immature of me also to shut you out, however; the hurt you have caused me goes so deep that I dont think it will be going away. Maybe someday it will, but I cannot promise anything. In the end I guess I did take something from all of this. It is not necessarily an idea that I have learned but more like a skill that I have aquired. Being hurt so much and so badly has made me a stong enough person whereas now I can finally say my goodbyes and let go. I have never been able to do that as of yet because I always felt that I needed the status quo and him in some way and thus everytime we broke up, I would come back or be willing to give it another try. Now, however; I have come to the ture conslusion that my life will continue without him and I will be happy. Im not sure if that would be a time to thank you or criticize you for making me this way. It is good that I am no longer so easy going and vulnerable so that I will be less easy to hurt next time, however; it makes me lose my unrequited passion of love because I will always have to be so cautious from now on and I will never get that back. Either way, that is what I take from this experience. Hopefully someday, someone else will teach me differently.

9:05PM

Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
Name/username/nickname:
favorite color:
best physical quaility:	lips
best personality trait:	outgoing
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now?	it depends
when will you get married?	May 10, 2012
your kiss is:	fiery
People date you because:	you're cute
Quiz created with MemeGen!

heehee...accurate i guess....lol
so anyways, college apps suck and so does calculus! ahhhh!!!!! i jus want to drop out. :( And i miss my pookie! :( sooo sad. I cant wait for homecoming so that I will get to see him again. hm...10 days left! yay! too far thou. I wish that he was here bc i really miss having someone to hold me and kiss me and such. its funny i guess cuz i jus want to be kissed and have someone to hold hands with. Damn college being so far away. I miss him so much. :( <3

9:31PM

So stressed out right now and pissed off at like 98% of my friends. Cept for Rommy, I love Rommy, hes letting me use his camera!!! yay!!! ok so anyways, I had an awesome night at practice bc I was so stressed. I actually hit my "point"(you know when you exercise and you get to a point where you are soo tired that you start to not feel it anymore?) yea, that point and i hit it in both running and swimming. so yay for me. Andy started yelling at us. Big surprise. but its funny, we were all doing so well that he started to yell at us about not bringing enough water. Its like, he couldnt find anything else to yell at us about so he has to find something. I have a calc quiz thingi tomorrow that i have yet to study for!!!! ahhhh!!!! ok better go study now.
yay for Rommy! heehee still so psyched bout the camera thing. :)

8:24PM

AHHHHHH!!!!!!! im moving out i swear!!!!!!!!! anyone know of any cheap aparments round here?....

9:08PM - Lalala

ok so my professor stopped being such an ass and is letting me do my speech with the A Group. so i get to go to the first day of school. yay for me. today was pretty cool. i was kinda tired this morning but i had a pretty nice day. both of my professors apparently love me. and that one guy is apparently going with a group to learn chinese soon and he was talking to me about whether or not he should pay extra to have room and board with them too and so i thought about it and decided to offer him my house to live in for a while. until he finds other living arrangments. at least that way someone can get good use out of it. and besides hes such a sweetheart.
my mommy made a mew friend! im so proud of her. lol. she came ovr today with her daughter(who is such a cutie!)but i wasnt here. i think they r coming over again next tues.( mah! my bday!) o well they r cool and im glad my mommy has friends.
saw the movie "the island" with jacob yesterday...it was soooo good! i liked it. then came back and felt like spending some time with ben so i called to see if he wanted to come over, but he didnt. so jacob eneded up coming over and falling asleep on my floor.lol. but then kirby called and wanted us to come over to watch a movie. so i woke up jacob and we went ovr. i liked the movie, saw it b4 but still liked it.
heehee only 5 more days and im 17. pleh. i feel so young(still not legal :-P). o well. another year...

11:10AM

AAAAAhhhhhhhh so i finally kno what i would look liek if i gained like 200 pounds. i look like a fricken chipmunk!!!!!1 grrrrrrrr....... i hate teeth...hate operations.! and hate drugs! yea...apparently the drugs they gave me for the pain makes me throw up bc its so strong so i cant take them anymore which means that the pain is so bad that now i have a fever!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrr...........i wish this all would hurry up and go away. OoOo i want some food!!!!!!! im sooo starving! heehee its ironic cuz i look like ive gained like 200 pounds but actually ive lost like 20! lol. i want panera bread...anyone want to bring me sum cuz u love me o so much!? lol. j/k

8:38PM

haha stole these quizes from Ben..kinda bored...shouldnt b thou cuz i have soooo much to do right now. better get to it..

How long do I last in bed? by DesideroAmor
Real Name
Birthdate (MM/DD/YY)
Favorite Color
Gender
Hours	6
Minutes	33
Quiz created with MemeGen!

heehee

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you.

With respect to money, you spend whatever you have.

You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be a little selfish. You only do what interests you.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

hhmmmmmm.......

11:50AM

Why do I put myself through this? I always end up being sad. Why cant people just learn to care about other people's feelings and thoughts? People are selfish.

7:59PM

I have lost all respect and faith in humanity and the male sex as a whole. All they want is sex and other stuff. I swear to god if another guy asks me out im going to buy a machette. Im not a piece of meat in the window! Im quite serious too. I cant stand it any longer. Humanity disguits me. How people use each other for their own personal gains. How much we lie to ourselves each day only to make everything seem easier. How much we care about things that dont matter and yet disguard all feelings and emotions to the things that do. How people lie, cheat, and steal...anything. What is he point of it all? Does it really get you any further? Nothing you do matters. However does that mean people should stop trying..stop striving? I really dont know. I just know that no one can be trusted. People are flawed and that means that even your most trusted friend will eventually let you down. Why do i even care?

10:11PM - nvr felt so used

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life




Ive nvr been filled with such hatred. It's kind of a weird feeling.

9:49PM

American Cities That Best Fit You:

75% Boston

70% New York City

65% San Francisco

55% Los Angeles

55% Washington, DC

Haha def. see a trend of big cities...

8:20PM

I can't believe its already basically the end of the year!! WOW. I hope next year goes by this fast also. Prom is saturday. Im actually excited. :) We still dont know whats happening...but its all good. I get to dress up and look all pretty, a night free of my parents and best of all i get to spend time with Ben! yay. It should be interesting.
GGGRRRRR AP US and EURO exams tomorrow!!!!!!!!! :-0 ~~going to die...o well....nothing i can really do about it now.

10:16PM

Your dating personality profile: Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have. Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.

Your date match profile: Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life. Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Romantic 3. Sensual 4. Liberal 5. Funny 6. Athletic 7. Adventurous 8. Traditional 9. Intellectual 10. Practical

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Romantic 2. Big-Hearted 3. Conservative 4. Funny 5. Traditional 6. Athletic 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Adventurous 9. Outgoing 10. Sensual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

11:26PM

For anyone who has seen the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MInd", i post this as a survey. If you had the option of going through a procedure that allowed you to delete all memory of a certain person..would you?

2:39PM

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!~yay!!!!!!~~and of coarse....its raining...not snowing :( o well~hope every1 got wut they wanted!

10:13PM

Hey omg!~this is so cool!~ I signed back onto an old sn so that i could find ppl 2 add onto my friends list 4 this thing and i end up talking to a bunch of my school friends from RI that i havent talked to in like 3 years!!!~Its so wierd cuz my friend alicia sent me a bunch of recent pics. of them all and to see them now...wow....some of these ppl i have known since like 1st grade!!!~Its soooo wierd to see what a hunk the guy who used to pick on me turned out 2 b and how all these ppl that used to make fun of each other are now dating!!!aaahhhhh!!!!!!!!everyones changed so much~and im talkin 2 them all now~and reminicing about stupid stuff we did when we were in the 7th grade and stuff. haha im even talkin 2 an ex-boyfriend. I wish i could go back and visit them again. maybe i will take a road trip this winter break. :)

8:11PM

Hey. Im not really sure who im talking to bc i havent added anyone onto my friends list yet so no one is gonna read this entry. O well.
I kno i said that this whole lj thing was really pointless but my friend told me to check out his and so it jus got me looking at everyones and i guess their pretty interesting...to read at least..lol...hope u guys dont mind. :) so anyways, thats y i decided to make one. i really dont kno wut else to say...how do u add friends onto ur friends list thingi?!~